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The Superstar Criterion...


Who's da man of the modern era of Bollywood ? Since the 90's, the typical answer to this one has always been one of the three Khans. Sure, you had the ageless one ( Anil ) and the Greek God in a wheelchair ( Hrithik ), but by default, it always comes down to the Trinity of Khans - the Adonis, the romantic and the perfectionist
.

The thing is : everyone judges them by yardsticks like best acting perfomance, number of hits  and salary. And that's not fair since the first two are subjective and the last one is just dependent on the producer's whimsy. So, I've decided to use a criteria that every guy who has ever passed through puberty ( sorry, Beiber, not your time yet... try again in 2020 ) will agree with. Yes, Ladies and gentlemen, we are indeed applying the MIWAKASHB gene test.

What is the MIWAKASHB gene test, you ask ? 
Blistering barnacles, how could you forget your history lessons, men ? For the MIWAKASHB test, passed on by the ancient Mayan civilisation, has a strong influence throughout the course of mankind. It was what drove Theseus to ride his Hummer bareback and take Helen, what made Caesar turn his jetski towards Cleopatra's Egyptian shores and yes, what made Elvis want to be more than just another Presley. 

The "Man, I WannA Kiss A Super HOT BABE"  is an ancient gene that passes on to a newborn child, via the Y chromosome, thus affecting only the male child. It lies dormant throughout childhood in most cases and then activates itself once puberty hits. Thus, irrespective of whether the child is born in Somalia, Australia and yes, even India, he is equipped with the power of the MIWAKASHB gene. 


In certain cases, such as direct visualization of a picture of Kim Kardashian, the gene may become activated at an even younger age group, before puberty hits ( Again, Beiber and Beiber loving guys are the exception to this dictum... sorry, it's the rule of the ancient Mayans.They specifically mention him. ) 
In effect, It is this gene that gives all boys hope that when they grow up, they will end up marrying a super hot babe... or just get to kiss a lot of super-hot babes.


Now, to be objective, only kisses that are documented onscreen will be allowed in this test. Having a steady girlfriend for years doesn't count as we know that all Bollywood actors just go running around trees and performing synchronized dances with dozens of extras whenever they get close to a girl.

In 3rd place, we have Salman Khan with ...well, nothing. Oh well, he makes up for it with a fine bevy of girlfriends to whom he can send love notes via that geriatric pigeon of Maine Pyaar Kiya.

In 2nd place, well, what a shocker ? A dozen NRI films later and SRK still hasn't gotten to first base. Hmmm.. I don't think we can include the pictures of him kissing those Filmfare trophies in here. ( Insert joke about man kissing 12 inch black rod here. )

And in 1st place, yeeeah !! The perfectionist, Aamir Khan makes a monkey out of his competition with a fine MIWAKASHB score of 4. 
(Final Score : 04 - the Kapoor sisters, Twinkle Khanna and Alice Patten )

 And for that, he gets awarded the .... oh wait, hang on a second. There's a last minute entry. Who could it be. That scraggly fellow there ? Really ? A newcomer taking on the Holy Bollywood Trinity ? 

Let's see what the score is for the dark horse of the race, a Mr Emraaan something something...




(Score 03 - Geeta Basra, Mallika Sherawat, Sayali Bhagat )

Oh, not bad.. he has a score of 3. Good attempt. Wait, what ? That was only table 1 ?

( Score 06 - Jacqueline Fernandes, Dia Mirza, Neha Sharma )

 Well,I'll be damned. He's snogged 6...what, there's more ?

( Score 09 - Soha Ali Khan, Shamita Shetty, Kangana Ranaut )

9 ? You gotta be kidding me !! What ? Another page ?

( Score 12 - Sonal Chauhan, Tanushree Dutta, Udita Goswami )

12 hot babes ? Oh, no way .. another page ?

( Final score 14 - Vidya Balan, Sheila Allen )

Is that it ? Well, paint me pink and call me a gay sunflower ! And you're telling me this score card includes Ms Indias, Ms Sri Lankas, royalty, National award winners and Blondes too ?? Wow !!
So with an amazing final score of kissing 14 hot babes accumulated over 7 years in the industry ( as opposed to the combined 67 years of his competition ), Emraan Hashmi races in out of the blue and wins the MIWAKASHB award. His teenage self would have been so proud of him today. 

As for Salman and Shah Rukh, I would like to humbly request them to say a few... 

...umm... maybe the more mature Aamir could tell us his opinion...


umm, we're experiencing technical difficulties presently. We'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Till then boys, work hard and dream big because the choice is upto you - whether you want to buy a T20 cricket team and spend your nights sitting in the locker room handing out gold-and-purple towels or whether you wanna get roughly the same salary as your competitors and still proudly be on top of the prestigious MIWAKASHB scoreboard.
    


19 comments:

  1. Socrates chanced upon the research done by the Mayans...Apparently carriers of the gene are at an increased risk for mono :P ...Maybe we should let Hashmi in on this .. Keep writing dude!

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    1. I should have known that Socrates had a hand in this!! Thanks for the info :)

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  2. LOL ! The pics u've chosen ! LOL ! And about Emraan Hashmi, the most underrated and underestimated actor in bollywood, is hugely enviable for most Khans and Kapoors. Seriously. The terms 'serial kisser' and all revolves around him but man, that doesnt have any negative effect on him ! Way to go EMraan Hashmi ! And doc what a kick start to the blog... U better keep it going or else...

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    1. I doubt if people's criticisms have any major effect on him.. he has his own steady set of young directors who give pretty decent storylines and roles that tend to suit him...

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    2. Also, I always felt that no matter what they say in public, the Khans must be kicking themself in private for not getting it on the way he gets to with such hot babes.. I mean, seriously.. will you look at that line up ?? :p

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    3. Yes that too with the hot babes. Not once had he been linked to any of them negatively!!! and is known to be a family man.
      See that is some accomplishment.
      He is never seen in award shows or advertisements. I have never come across any controversial photo shoots or ads which has him in it. U remember any ? And also note, even if his movie was a flop, there is always atleast one superhit melody in it. Remember Woh Lamhe woh baatein, tum mile, and others? And the gangster movie in which he played the negative role of a cop who woos Kangana just to trap her gangster boyfriend? Wow thats some movie.

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    4. true.. inspite of what people say, the guy hasnt ever been caught in any major scandal and married quite serenely the girl he loves.. and I agree : I would anyday prefer watching movies like Woh Lamhe, Murder 2 and Kalyug rather than a My Name is Khan or Ready

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  3. Awesome dude!! He should be every bachelor's role model!!

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    1. he has to be the role model of every teenage male with any common sense, don't you think ? :) No running around bushes or dancing with 100 extras when he's around !!

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  4. haha.....:D
    A surprise winner (as he was not even in the list in the beginning) or a clear winner (Oh! c'mon! He is THE serial kisser of Bollywood!)

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    1. Hehe... yes, so in conclusion, he earns in crores, has his own legion of fans, gets free tickets across the world for film shoots and gets to be the serial kisser who is faithful to his wife... what more can you ask for, really :)

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  5. you've got way tooo much vela time doc!!!!!!!!!
    bus.. i have nothing more to say :D

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    1. :)
      I prefer to think of it as an inborn talent for being naughty, for which I make the time, no matter what :D

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  6. hahahaha......... love this one!!

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    1. Thanks.. I enjoyed making it up myself. Always a good sign when you are blogging a post :)

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    1. hehe... I'm assuming thats for the pics of all the hot babes.. and for giving you a new criteria to teach the new generation :)

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  8. Hahahaha....awesome post Roshan!!!
    And u hav selected absolutely appropriate pics.....suits the expression they would hav had on their faces....so much so that it actually seems like a technical error wit no audio coming out of the pics!! :-D
    - Mel

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    1. hehe.. I loved the pics too... of the actors expressions ironically in a post on kissing ! ;D

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