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India's Ideal Next Presidential Candidates are...

Everyone keeps telling me that there is no worthy contender for the title of the next President of India. We have a population of over a billion and yet, we can't seem to find one person competent enough to sit on the fabled throne of India. 
The thing is, I humbly disagree with the opinions of these pessimists. I say, you're just looking in the wrong direction. The problem is you're looking at people sitting in that funny building called the Parliament. Instead, broaden your horizons, cast your net wider, look beyond the obvious... well, you get the picture.

Here's my top 5 candidates who I think would make a swell President for the nation. 

05. Poonam Pandey



  • Pros :
    • Just by promising to undo her undies, she got eleven okay-to-average players to win a World Cup. Can you imagine what she can get a nation to do for her ? ( I meant, besides the obvious ! You naughty boy ! )
    • Unlike other politicians, she did keep her political promise and reveal her true self.
    • Highly motivational. Has proven that having no talents is not a burden. Has also proven that less is indeed more. Even motivated cross border undressing by getting our Pakistani diplomat Veena Malik to do the same. 
  • Cons : 
    • Has some major competition coming up. Even before she could hitch her skirt back up after supporting Kolkata Knight Riders, there's news of another starlet-to-be called Rozyln following her tactics, to show support for her rvial political party, Chennai Super Kings. This could become a trend soon, diluting her USP.
    • The day Sunny Leone behen ji joins politics, Poonam is in trouble. Sorry, but it's just that Sunny Leone is oh-so-much-more motivational to most Indians.
  • Janata ki Adalat : 
    • It's all fine and good as long as they don't motivate any of the present chief ministers ( especially of the states they support ) to join them in doing the full monty. Shudder !


04. Rocky and Mayur ( Highway on My Plate )



  • Pros :
    • Knows India inside-out. Very low maintenence.
    • Will promote unity across states.
    • Rocky+Mayur = food. Food = love. Love = happiness.
  • Cons :
    • One of them tends to turn rabid and salivatory around Presidential Candidate Number 2.
    • The other gets rabid around Presidential Candidate Number 2's food.
    • They tend to end every meeting with a 'food quote' talking about the joys of eating. This may not go down well in certain third world countries.
  • Janata ki Adalat : 
    • As long as they can reach a compromise on the seat-sharing issue ( who gets to be President on which days of the week ), I think they'd be great candidates. 

03. Virat Kohli 

  • Pros :
    • Ever seen how violent he gets during his happy moments ? ( like when he scores a century ) Do you really think any of our neighbours are going to risk making 'him' mad ?
    • If I'm not wrong, led the Under-19 Indian cricket team to World Cup glory. How much more difficult could running a nation be, right ?
    • Eligible bachelor. We could use a change of style - with some 20-plus babes in evening wear walking beside the President as his arm candy.
  • Cons :
    • Andrew Symonds found it offensive a few summers back when Harbhajan 'called' his mom. That seems mild compared to Kohli's usual gesticulations. Foreign country translators are going to have to learn to polish his words before translating it to their dignitaries.
    • Would not be advisable to put him anywhere near the red button which triggers our nuclear missiles.
    • Walks around with a heavy bat.
  • Janata ki Adalat : 
    • For those of us who are tired of paper tiger politicians who are too meek to make bold decisions, he is the right man for the job.


02. The Holy Cow


  • Pros :
    • Non-demanding. No major jewellery or black money required. Only needs a single brass bell around her neck as her bling.
    • Very productive. Even her crap is worth something. Which is more than we can say for other ministers.
    • Easy to find look-alikes in case of terrorist threats.
    • More likely to be found walking beside the aam-aadmi crowd of the nation rather than with rich socialites.
    • Has horns on her head. Empowering.
  • Cons :
    • Religious bias. Can't blame her. One religion worships her, the others eat her. Similarly, may have to be careful if she visits Kerala. Could get served. Literally.
    • Like certain other Presidents, may try to acquire land. But only for grazing purposes.
    • Does not speak much. However, in her defense,  that is no different from the present Prime Minister and President of the nation.
    • Has horns on her head. Intimidating.
  • Janata ki Adalat :  
    • There is always the risk of her being kidnapped when she goes abroad and replaced by a rogue militant cow. Other than that, a very serene candidate.


01. Russell Peters



  • Pros :
    • Is there anybody else who can fill a room with people of all nationalities, point out the Arabs and call them terrorists and have them laugh out loud and nod in agreement?
    • Same goes with calling Jews thrifty, the Chinese bargain-hunters, Indians the cheapest bunch of mother-fluters and Americans dumb as hell - can you see any other national leader surviving through that speech ?
    • Obama became the president of America shouting 'Yes, we can.' How much more cooler is Russell Peters 'Be a Man' slogan ? Mind-blasting, I tell you.
  • Cons :
    • May have trouble getting him to stay in India. Tele-conferencing would have to be considered.
    • Can be hard to get him to stay serious during UN meetings. Can cause major diplomatic issues if he starts making fart noises on the mike whenever a foreign President gets up to leave the room. 
  • Janata ki Adalat : 
    • If somehow we can get past the 'son-of-a-foreign-soil' issue that will invariably pop up, I think he'd be perfect to lead the nation. Atleast he'd have the (shaven) balls to say what's on his mind frankly, rather than toe behind diplomatic bull-crap.

So that's my list. 5 people who I am certain can do a better job than the present bunch of pompous politicians. What do you think ?
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